my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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