I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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