Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
