remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
