its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
