it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
