my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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