Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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