I can tuck mytits in my pants
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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