she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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