Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
