If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
