giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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