I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize