the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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