You smell like stripper and shame
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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