sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Girls should come with a carfax report
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize