using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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