I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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