Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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