The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
