I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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