were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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