Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
