why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
