my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
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