vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
