The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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