'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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