Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
