When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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