Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
