When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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