found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
