She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
