so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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