Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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