Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
