I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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