well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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