I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
