You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
