woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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