I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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