you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
NoShamevember. You game?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
