So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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