It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
