Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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