Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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