apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
