Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
