My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
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Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
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Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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