I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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