So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
