update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
