I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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