Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
