My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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