what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
