I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my vag is so smooth its legendary
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
