i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
