he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
