I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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