I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
