dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
